I wish I knew a lot. When I’m sad, I like to look at pictures of outer space. It makes me feel so insignificant, and it’s really comforting. I want a telescope, and I want the patience to sit down and read continually throughout the span of my life to be well educated in the subject of astrophysics.
My boyfriend makes me really, really happy. This is a picture from last year, around the time we first started dating. I like how he looks so sleepy. I guess he kind of looks stoned or something also, but he isn’t. I just love him so much. I love thinking about him and looking at pictures of him and I need to stop typing so I can drive over to his house already.
I feel really uncomfortable talking about these things going on, especially because the only people to talk to will pity me. It’s also not comforting knowing that everybody around you knows what you’re thinking about when you’re quiet or keeping to yourself. It’s not easy to talk about what I’m feeling in general, there is just absolutely no way I could talk about something so serious. I guess typing things online is much, much easier. If anybody I know actually reads this, please don’t tell me that you have.
It’s such a morbid topic. And even though it isn’t physically affecting myself, it’s happening to two of the closest people around me. What sucks is that unless it’s happened to you or someone close to you, it’s hard to really understand or relate to it. When someone’s family member dies, for instance, you feel so horrible. You don’t want to bring it up because you don’t know if they want to talk about it, but you want to help. My problem isn’t as extreme as someone being dead, but death has come up and I don’t want to be that person that people are afraid to offend.
And it gets worse than that, because it isn’t only myself that people will pity. The person I love is going through so much worse than I am. And there’s nothing that I can do to stop it. I can just support him and tell him everything will be fine. I feel guilty for moping or crying because it’s my job now to be the one that provides comfort. It’s selfish for me to think that I deserve comforting when he’s sitting next to me, physically in pain.
Every year that I get older, I feel like there are new obstacles in life that while I knew they existed, I paid no attention. They’re still growing and it’s emotionally draining. And although almost everybody can relate to intense, emotional pain, nobody is willing to openly talk about it. I know this because I’m not willing either.
